How Frozen Should Have Ended - An Extreme Crack Fic
by Janet-Mufasa
Summary: Hans is about to deliver the act of true love... Wait what! Oh heck no! Not in Elsa's kingdom! The queen can't be fooled so easily, Hans! Let Elsa teach YOU a thing or two about so called 'true love! Contains thirty seconds of temporary Elsanna, and a whole lot of Crazy!Elsa


**Authors Note: All OOC is done intentionally for the sake of comedy.**

**This story contains a temporary crack pairing, i.e. It isn't a permanent pairing in this fic...**

**It just happens for a single moment, like a thirty second fling, and then everyone goes back to their original or no love interest as intended by the Disney canon.**

Hans laid Anna down on the couch and then listened intently as she explained the curse. Only an act of true love could break the spell.

"A true loves kiss..." He realised. But, unfortunately there was just one problem.

He took a deep breath and leaned in for the kiss...and then suddenly...

"OH HELL NO!" A voice cried, the doors slammed wide open and a furious queen came storming through, partially literally when considering the relentless ice and snow that flipped and whirled and flurried around, whipping her hair and cape.

The fire went out and Hans fell back in confusion and shock, "Y-your majesty? B-but how did you-"

"Shut up you little pansy! I know what you're getting at!" Elsa hissed venomously and pointed a threatening finger in his direction, a chilly breeze scraping up his spine, a trail of frost lying in its wake.

He opened his mouth to respond but soon found it filled with solid ice, like some kind of snow-gag.

"SILENCE!" The queen commended, "I'll have no more of this!"

Anna finally snapped out of her heavily confused stupor and then piped up as best as she could, "Elsa... Wh-what's g-going on?" She asked.

The blizzard stilled for a moment and for and then she spun on her heal, "Just a moment Anna. I'll be with you as soon as I deal with this crook here!" She spoke with an air of both authority and raging madness, leaving the princess only more confused.

"But he was about to..." Anna began but a miniature snow-gag halted her.

Elsa glared menacingly at the prince in the corner of the room and then took three stabbing high heeled steps towards him and hissed, "Oh don't worry, I know what he was about to do, Anna..."

In a mocking voice, she fluttered her eyes and waved her hand, "Oh dear princess, let me save thee from the wicked snow queen, and free you from this dastardly spell! With just one kiss I'll somehow manage to reverse a curse which specifically states that true love is the only solution!

Oh and of course, this would mean that then I'd have to marry you, and spontaneously decide to move in even after only knowing you for less that a couple of hours, but hey, who cares right? Everyone's doing it these days, Cinderella, Snow White..."

"Because it IS true love after all, and everyone KNOWS that the dashing prince simply MUST save the princess, for no other could possibly do it, am I right?"

She ranted, going on and on...

She suddenly stomped her foot and a huge whoosh of air smashed the windows in the room and she screamed, "WRONG!"

Falling to her knees and lifting the terrified and confused prince by the collar she shouted, "ABSOLUTELY NOT! You little punk, you just want my throne, don't you? Don't tell me you thought you could fool me, ME, the QUEEN OF KEEPING SECRETS AND CONCEALING ONES TRUE INTENTIONS!"

She slapped him in the face and cried, "IMBECILE! To think you have the gall to try and woo my baby sister in her fragile and helpless state to manipulate her, and force her into a barely planned marriage and make her have you sixteen children while you secretly plan about killing me off..."

Hans eyes widened and he turned a few shades paler, despite the weather having already done wonders for whitening his already terrified face. He mumbled through the snow gag as though to protest, earning another frosty smack across the face.

Elsa yanked him up as she stood and tossed him across the room with strength she didn't know she possessed and then continued,

"True love! HA! True love my frost bitten mammaries you slug!" She marched over to Anna and then knelt before her.

Sternly looking her in the eye and with a firm voice she asked, "Tell me, Anna, who in this world dictates what true love is and whom by it must be shared?"

"Who dares to state that love can only be between a precious girl like you, and the likes of a tentacled vile creep like Prince Dubious over there?"

Anna pinched her eye brows together, not sure she liked where this was going.

Elsa grabbed her up, dramatically and held her head before her, "Well to those old fashioned pricks and bigoted naysayers I say THIS about true love!"

And nd with that she smashed her lips against her sisters, melting the ice block that barricaded her tongue and she lashed and attacked her from the inside.

At first taken aback Anna screamed into the kiss, but soon as her heart began to warm and the storm began to ebb away, she felt herself melting..melting...

Into the kiss, and into some unidentified and not yet recognisable state of bliss, as though all those years of separation and isolation and pain were all erased from her being in one swift action. Her soul felt cleansed, and her grip grew firmer around her sister as the ice disappeared.

Meanwhile Hans was practically dumb and unable to move, glued to the floor as though fused with its fibres as he gawked in disgust, horror and in a weird way some form of gratification with which he was truly ashamed as he witnessed the heinous and yet strangely effective act of 'true love'...

They finally broke away and their breath was heavy but before the could savour the moment a sudden fourth being entered the room.

They stood up very straight and far away from one another suddenly, straightening their hair and clothing as the little snowman innocently hobbled in,

"Hey guys! Guys, look! Summers back!" He chirped, dripping a little on the spot as he bounced.

Elsa and Anna exchanged awkward glances and then shrugged.

"So it is...and my sanity..." Elsa muttered under her breath.

So Hans was later that day placed in the care of a local asylum, the people blaming the cold weathers sudden change for his prominent madness.

He was found curled up on the floor in the castle, babbling about snow and the kingdom, and accusing the princess and queen of unspeakable actions. His mother was written a letter in regard to her youngest sons behaviour and state of mind, who replied that they could keep him in Arendelle.

Elsa thankfully had regained her sanity and by Anna's forceful and heavy insistence she asked her sister, to kindly, NEVER do that AGAIN under any circumstances...

And Kristoff and Anna were reunited, but kept under tough and fair supervision by the queen herself, who claimed to now also be a 'love expert', or rather an expert of knowing how to pick out the 'poisoned apples' in the basket.

And the kingdom lived on in happiness...and... relatively balanced sanity forever after.

XxXxXxXxX

"By the way, Elsa," Anna whispered, "for the record, you're a much better kisser than Kristoff, oddly enough."

Elsa winced and then shushed her, "Anna! I thought we were going to pretend that NEVER EVER happened!"

Anna quirked and eyebrow and replied, "Maybe you should teach him." She teased.

Elsa buried her face into her hands and groaned silently, "Anna, I am NOT going kiss your boyfriend!" She hissed.

A beat or two passed and then she added, "And besides, he does that gross carrot thing with his reindeer... Honestly I have no idea why YOU kiss him..."

Anna giggled and then waved a carrot before her face, "Oh you mean that carrot thing?"

She took a bite and then offered Elsa the rest.

"It appears Hans wasn't the only one who incurred damage from the change of weather..." Elsa muttered rubbing her temples.

Anna chuckled wickedly and then dashed off.

XxXxXxXxX

THE END


End file.
